A trauma survivor shares her story of struggling to understand the complexities of trauma response in her life. Trauma re-enactment leaves an unpredictable mark on her life, often when she least expects it. She describes her path toward understanding trauma patterns and creating positive change. Her story is a powerful illustration of the need for trauma-informed care.

I was sitting in the kitchen playing with my doll, deep in happy imagination. Suddenly, a loud noise interrupted the peace and quiet and I began to cry and shake. I mistakenly thought my father was home and was drunk.

As a 5-year-old child, I learned to anticipate that calm always led to violence. Years of living in abuse have left me with this learned trauma response. As an adult, progress is often followed by a crisis of sudden illness, surgeries, an episode of mental illness, or struggles with gambling. My behavior becomes unpredictable as my brain tries to protect me from a new trauma. Trauma re-enactment creates barriers that keep me from achieving stability in my life and work.

Trauma re-enactment has left its mark on my career. For example, I was doing very well recently. My assignments were completed on time, my supervisor was pleased with my work, and I was beginning to socialize with my colleagues. I felt respected and encouraged. Suddenly, doubts about my abilities emerged and increased to a crippling preoccupation. I came down with laryngitis, breathing difficulties, and severe abdominal pain. I concluded that my illness was severe. It led to a prolonged absence and an application for short-term disability. It felt like a severe stress reaction. I wondered, “What could be a source of all this stress? Everything was going so well!”

The answer was surprising and at first seemed unbelievable: my stress was related to the calm of doing well.

Gaining knowledge about this stress shifted it from a source of despair to a new tool for recovery. Learning to transform my awareness of destructive patterns into tools for positive change is a gift of effective therapy. I, along with other consumers who are committed to changing old patterns, am often unaware of the significance of trauma driving me to make choices that do not serve me well. Furthermore, changing old patterns - even when we are highly motivated- can be harder than we ever imagined. Change requires becoming aware of individual responses to stress and then actively creating new habits and responses. Repeating old patterns can feel ridiculous to us, and our allies. However, trauma responses do not play by the normal intellectual rules of life. Journaling is one method I use to become familiar with my old patterns.  

It is my hope that providers will help consumers to assess personal patterns and behaviors, to educate us about trauma reactions, and partner with us to find new solutions as we continue our journeys. My hope is that this will be useful to others who share my dilemma of feeling compelled to repeat the trauma. My goal is to continue to use myself as an example, thereby shedding light on one of many possible paths to recovery.

To learn more about how to provide Trauma-Informed care, please read the related article, “Trauma-Informed Care 101”.